I LOVE YOU MCKINLEY

It will be exactly one year since i held that little stranger in my arms for the first time on thursday.It wasn't a great time in my life.It was pretty awful actually.For alot of reasons.Physically i wasnt ready.Emotionally i was in turmoil.So much pain.So tired.I wouldve turned back if id been given the choice.I remember feeling completely alone,but my husband must have been there,because i was holding onto someones neck since i couldnt stand alone.I remember whispering over and over"i cant do this".I remember passing out every other minute between contractions,round about the 24th-25th hour.i remember sweating like a pig and vomitting in the hallway because i got so dehydrated and hot from walking the halls for hours trying to make something happen.I remember begging them to check me round about the 26th hour...and them telling me i wasnt quite to a 4...i was certain at that point i was going to die...i had no strength left...i was giving up.Im pretty sure that was why my midwife called for my epideral a little bit early,because i had nothing left...hadnt for quite awhile.I understood what it felt like to be on the brink of death.

But the main thing i remember is when i got to see her and hold her for the first time.Everything else fades away when i look into those beautiful blue eyes,with no mistake who she got them from,they look just like her fathers,and she looks at me in wonder,seeing me for the first time.At that point all my pain was gone...all i knew was love...and every since that day, that little stranger has become such a part of us,of me,i cant imagine a life without her.

God knew i needed that baby girl two weeks early,for His own reasons,to get me through the trials that were heading my way...He knew what we needed this past year,to teach a couple of selfish people how to truly love,just when we needed it most.He knew and always knows what we need and gives us so much more than we deserve.What a wonderful Lord we have and I am just so thankful to Him for a little girl that has lighted my world throughout this past year,even in my darkest hours.

When im sad,she can make me smile through my tears.When im angry beyond reason,i see her,and everything comes back into focus..When i feel hopeless,she reminds me to be thankful for the good things.I wish i could freeze her in time,with her tiny toothy smile as she waddles towards me with her outstretched arms,and i pick her up and she whispers "hi mamma" . And everything is wonderful and perfect.